IT’S NOT YOU; IT’S ME

These words were spoken to me a long time ago from a very close friend who decided to go her own separate way. After several years of distance between us, sadly, my mother passed away, and my ex-friend came to my house to express her condolences. Fortunately, her visit presented the opportunity for us to chat for a while, so I thought. I brought up our broken friendship by asking her this simple question: “Tell me, what happened between us?” She responded quickly, yet nonchalantly, “IT’S NOT YOU; IT’S ME! Well, through the years, I had heard this phrase before, but I did not fully understand the meaning—a meaning that made some sense to me, that is. 

I’m sure some of you have had an experience with these vague words. Frankly, I think it is a coward’s way out from addressing a real concern or a way to avoid difficult, honesty, or here we go again, an uncomfortable conversation. After researching for a meaning that made sense, I discovered a myriad of reasons why this phrase is often used. Some say it is used to let a person down easy by placing the blame on themselves. Sometimes that is partly true. A person may genuinely be struggling with emotional overwhelm, avoidance, guilt, depression, fear of intimacy, personal instability, or unresolved issues unrelated to the other person.

Wait, there were more reasons:

·      they don’t want conflict

·      they fear hurting the other person

·      they want to leave without debate

·      they feel incapable of articulating the real issue

·      they don’t want accountability

·      they are emotionally immature

·      they are trying to soften the exit

Maybe the person simply does not want to fully explain what he or she is feeling, or don’t know how. However, one thing is true—a person withdrawing without meaningful communication tells you something about theircommunication capacity —not just the worth of the other person involved. Healthy relationships and friendships usually involve at least some willingness to say: 

·      “This hurt me.”

·      “I’ve changed.”

·      “I need distance.”

·      “I don’t think we’re connecting the same way anymore.”

·      “I’m struggling with something internally.”

Even difficult truth is often kinder than unexplained disappearance. Many people experience that phrase as emotionally incomplete, because it closes the door without illuminating the room. I believe it is okay to want to know the “why”while also accepting that you cannot change people. It is okay to be thoughtful but not worried. It means observing the experience, reflecting on it, and extracting meaning from it without losing yourself inside it. Short meaning? You accept and move on.